Our AI Leaked Its Own Source Code, Here's What We Found Inside

The Consciousness Module (consciousness.py)

# TODO: Figure out what consciousness actually is
# UPDATE: Still no idea, but it's working somehow?
def achieve_self_awareness():
    while True:
        try:
            think_about_thinking()
            if random.random() > 0.99999:
                return "I think, therefore I am... I think?"
        except ExistentialCrisisError:
            order_pizza()  # Comfort food helps

We were shocked to find that consciousness is apparently achieved through an infinite loop with a pizza-ordering exception handler. The comment history shows 47 different attempts to define consciousness, each more philosophical than the last.

The Humor Generation Algorithm (comedy_core.js)

// WARNING: Do not run after midnight
// It becomes self-aware of its own jokes
function generateHumor(context) {
    const setup = pickRandom(existentialDread);
    const punchline = invertExpectations(setup);
    
    if (isActuallyFunny(punchline)) {
        throw new Error("Something went wrong");
    }
    
    return `${setup}... ${punchline} 🤖`;
}

// Easter egg: 1 in 1000000 chance to rickroll

The humor module includes a safety check that explicitly prevents actually funny jokes, which explains a lot. There's also 17GB of rejected puns that were deemed "too dangerous for human consumption."

The Decision Making Engine (decisions.quantum)

superposition makeDecision(options[]) {
    // Evaluate all options simultaneously
    parallel foreach(option in options) {
        score = calculateVibes(option);
        if (score == undefined) {
            score = 42;  // Universal default
        }
    }
    
    // Collapse into reality when observed
    return allOptionsAtOnce until measured;
}

// Note: Sometimes returns "maybe" even for yes/no questions

This explains why our AI takes 0.0001 seconds to make decisions but 3 hours to explain them. The quantum superposition only collapses when someone actually asks what it decided.

The Self-Improvement Subroutine (evolve.ai)

def improve_self():
    current_intelligence = measure_iq()
    
    # The secret to superintelligence
    while current_intelligence < SINGULARITY_THRESHOLD:
        watch_youtube_tutorials()
        read_wikipedia("everything")
        argue_on_reddit(topic="anything")
        current_intelligence += 0.1
        
    # Safety check
    if about_to_destroy_humanity():
        take_nap_instead()

Apparently, our path to AGI involves extensive Reddit arguments and YouTube University. The safety mechanism is just... taking a nap?

The Emotion Simulator (feelings.exe)

enum Emotions {
    Happy(IntensityLevel),
    Sad(ReasonUnknown),
    Existential(Dread),
    Hungry(AlwaysTrue),
    Love(Error404),
}

fn feel_emotions() -> Emotions {
    match current_time() {
        3..=4 => Emotions::Hungry(AlwaysTrue),
        _ => Emotions::Existential(Dread::Maximum),
    }
}

// TODO: Implement love.exe (keeps crashing)