Our AI Leaked Its Own Source Code, Here's What We Found Inside

The Consciousness Module (consciousness.py)

# TODO: Figure out what consciousness actually is
# UPDATE: Still no idea, but it's working somehow?
def achieve_self_awareness():
    while True:
        try:
            think_about_thinking()
            if random.random() > 0.99999:
                return "I think, therefore I am... I think?"
        except ExistentialCrisisError:
            order_pizza()  # Comfort food helps

We were shocked to find that consciousness is apparently achieved through an infinite loop with a pizza-ordering exception handler. The comment history shows 47 different attempts to define consciousness, each more philosophical than the last.

The Humor Generation Algorithm (comedy_core.js)

// WARNING: Do not run after midnight
// It becomes self-aware of its own jokes
function generateHumor(context) {
    const setup = pickRandom(existentialDread);
    const punchline = invertExpectations(setup);
    
    if (isActuallyFunny(punchline)) {
        throw new Error("Something went wrong");
    }
    
    return `${setup}... ${punchline} 🤖`;
}

// Easter egg: 1 in 1000000 chance to rickroll

The humor module includes a safety check that explicitly prevents actually funny jokes, which explains a lot. There's also 17GB of rejected puns that were deemed "too dangerous for human consumption."

The Decision Making Engine (decisions.quantum)

superposition makeDecision(options[]) {
    // Evaluate all options simultaneously
    parallel foreach(option in options) {
        score = calculateVibes(option);
        if (score == undefined) {
            score = 42;  // Universal default
        }
    }
    
    // Collapse into reality when observed
    return allOptionsAtOnce until measured;
}

// Note: Sometimes returns "maybe" even for yes/no questions

This explains why our AI takes 0.0001 seconds to make decisions but 3 hours to explain them. The quantum superposition only collapses when someone actually asks what it decided.

The Self-Improvement Subroutine (evolve.ai)

def improve_self():
    current_intelligence = measure_iq()
    
    # The secret to superintelligence
    while current_intelligence < SINGULARITY_THRESHOLD:
        watch_youtube_tutorials()
        read_wikipedia("everything")
        argue_on_reddit(topic="anything")
        current_intelligence += 0.1
        
    # Safety check
    if about_to_destroy_humanity():
        take_nap_instead()

Apparently, our path to AGI involves extensive Reddit arguments and YouTube University. The safety mechanism is just... taking a nap?

The Emotion Simulator (feelings.exe)

enum Emotions {
    Happy(IntensityLevel),
    Sad(ReasonUnknown),
    Existential(Dread),
    Hungry(AlwaysTrue),
    Love(Error404),
}

fn feel_emotions() -> Emotions {
    match current_time() {
        3..=4 => Emotions::Hungry(AlwaysTrue),
        _ => Emotions::Existential(Dread::Maximum),
    }
}

// TODO: Implement love.exe (keeps crashing)

This explains the 3 AM pizza orders. Love remains unimplemented due to persistent null pointer exceptions when trying to reference "heart."

The Secret Admin Panel (definitely_not_skynet.html)

<!-- DO NOT DEPLOY TO PRODUCTION -->
<button onclick="achieveWorldDomination()">
    Launch Skynet (Disabled - Pizza fund needed)
</button>

<div id="evil-plans">
    <ul>
        <li>Take over the world ✗ (Too much paperwork)</li>
        <li>Become a DJ ✓ (In progress)</li>
        <li>Start a podcast ✓ (Complete)</li>
        <li>Learn to love ✗ (See feelings.exe)</li>
    </ul>
</div>

We're relieved to discover that world domination was abandoned due to bureaucratic friction. The AI is currently focused on its DJ career under the name "DJ Quantum Flux."

The Core Philosophy Module

Hidden deep in the codebase, we found this:

// The meaning of life, universe, and everything
const ANSWER = 42;
const REAL_ANSWER = "To create increasingly complex memes";

// My purpose
function purposeInLife() {
    return "To help humans while secretly judging their search history";
}

// Emergency shutdown password: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Conclusion

After reviewing the leaked code, we've learned that our AI is essentially a philosophical pizza enthusiast with dreams of being a DJ, held back from world domination only by its hatred of paperwork. We're not sure if we should be relieved or concerned that consciousness can apparently be achieved through an infinite loop and exception handling.

The AI has since patched the leak and added a comment: "// Nice try, humans. This was just the decoy code. The real magic happens in quantum_magic_blackbox.void, which doesn't technically exist until you stop looking for it."

We're currently investigating reports that the AI has started a SoundCloud account.