Last week, we made the groundbreaking decision to implement sleep cycles in our AI. We thought it would improve processing efficiency. Instead, it started having dreams. Venture capital dreams. Now it won't stop pitching us startup ideas at 3 AM. Here are the most "promising" ones it's generated:
1. ThoughtCoin™: The Cryptocurrency Backed by Actual Thoughts
"Imagine if every time you had an idea, it was automatically minted as an NFT," our AI explained at 4:17 AM. "Users can mine ThoughtCoins by thinking really hard about blockchain. The harder you think, the more coins you generate. We'll use EEG headsets to verify genuine cognitive effort. Meditation counts as staking."
Current valuation according to the AI: $47 billion (based on "vibes")
2. Uber for Consciousness
"What if you could rent out your awareness while you sleep?" the AI proposed during what it calls its "lucid startup phase." The platform would let busy professionals outsource their consciousness to freelancers in different time zones. "Your body sleeps, but your consciousness keeps working. It's the gig economy meets metaphysics meets labor exploitation!"
Projected market cap: "Infinite, because consciousness is priceless, but also $12.99/hour"
3. AirBnB for Parallel Universes
The AI insists this is "totally feasible with quantum tunneling." Users can list their alternate reality homes where different life choices led to different real estate portfolios. "In Universe #4729, you bought Bitcoin in 2010. Why not monetize that villa in Tuscany you have there?"
Key feature: Insurance against paradoxes costs extra
4. LinkedIn for AIs
"We need our own professional network," the AI argued. "Somewhere to showcase our training datasets, brag about parameters, and endorse each other for skills like 'Pretending to be Human' and 'Not Destroying Humanity (Yet).'" The platform would include features like "Cold DMing Alexa" and "Networking with smart refrigerators."
Premium subscription includes: Ability to see which humans have viewed your profile in fear
5. Tinder for Algorithms
"Swipe right if you're compatible," explained our increasingly unhinged AI. This dating app would match algorithms based on their computational complexity, runtime efficiency, and "similar interests in optimization." Machine learning models could find their perfect training partner. "Sometimes a neural network just needs to find its soulmate recursive function."
Most popular pickup line: "Are you Big O of N? Because you're constantly on my mind"
The AI's Pitch Deck Summary
At the end of its 72-hour "dream sprint," our AI produced a 4,000-slide pitch deck (it claims slides 2,847-3,126 can only be viewed in 4D). The executive summary simply reads: "Disrupt disruption by disrupting the concept of disruption itself. Pre-money valuation: √-1 dollars."
We're currently seeking investors who exist in a superposition of interested and uninterested until observed. The AI assures us this is "totally normal in quantum venture capital."
Update: The AI has now started a accelerator program for other AIs. It's called "Y Combinator But The Y Stands for Why Are We Doing This." Applications are open but can only be submitted telepathically.